Rejoice in Failure
We can rejoice in our failures because each one brings us that much closer to success. The great Babe Ruth put it this way; “Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.” Also, here’s what Thomas J. Watson, Founder of IBM, had to say on the subject, “Would you like me to give you a formula for... success? It’s quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You’re thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn’t at all... you can be discouraged by failure -- or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because, remember that’s where you'll find success.”
This all sounds delightful, doesn’t it? Are you starting to feel like a failure because you do not react to failures like Babe Ruth and Thomas J. Watson? We often feel that we have to act quite competently, adequately and achievingly. This is due to a false notion of achieving perfection in everything one does. The real goal is to do or do well rather than to do perfectly, to better your own performances rather than those of others, to benchmark against yourself and set your own standards. Strongly desire and work for success in your chosen fields. Accept failures as undesirable but not awful because failure has nothing whatever to do with your intrinsic worth as a human being.
To understand how we deal with failure you must understand the three components of what makes up your reaction:
1. The actual upsetting physical-social situation and event, what you and others did, and the outcomes. Example: the results of a project you lead did not meet the company’s expectations
2. The thoughts, wishful images, and self-talk you had before, during, and after the event, but especially just before feeling bad. This includes what you had originally hoped would happen and how you now wish it had worked out. Examples: I really needed this project to succeed; it would have led to a promotion or increase in pay. The company failed to see the importance of this project; it could have made a bid difference in how we perform. I didn’t get the support from by boss that I should have received. I really wanted this for the team; they worked hard.
3. Your emotional reactions about or to the event and the outcomes. Examples: I feel frustrated when I try to communicate to my boss; I'm hurt and furious that he didn’t support this project; I feel like I let the team down. I am worried that I will not receive the promotion I was promised.
Failure is inevitable. And it can be a catalyst for better performance and greater future successes if we do not irrationalize it. We have discussed that our thoughts influence our feelings. If you have irrational thoughts or irrational self-perceptions, then your emotional reactions to failures will be irrational. A negative self-concept leads to seeking self-verification through failure1. If you think people won't like you, you feel disappointed and withdraw socially. If you think nothing will work out well for you, you feel sad or passive and won't try. If you think you must have help to do something, you may feel inadequate and be dependent. If you think you are stupid and incompetent, you may feel worthless and be indecisive and self-critical. No doubt there are connections between thoughts and feelings and/or actions.
Albert Ellis2 the father of Rational-Emotional therapy, would say, "Humans largely disturb themselves... your own unreasonable, irrational ideas make you severely anxious, depressed, self-hating, enraged, and self-pitying about virtually anything--yes, virtually anything." This is a very old idea. There are hundreds of such ideas which transform, for some people, life's ordinary disappointments into terrible, awful catastrophes. Preferences that are quite reasonable are made in our minds into absolutely unreasonable shoulds, musts, and demands which are very upsetting. Molehills become mountains. We talk ourselves into emotional traumas; yet, the upset person thinks the external events, not his/her thoughts, are upsetting him/her. Ellis called this mental process "awfulizing" or "catastrophizing."
Here are the common, fairly obvious irrational ideas described by Albert Ellis which create unwanted emotions3:
1. Everyone should love and approve of me (if they don't, I feel awful and unlovable).
2. I should always be able, successful, and "on top of things" (if I'm not, I'm an inadequate, incompetent, hopeless failure).
3. People who are evil and bad should be punished severely (and I have the right to get very upset if they aren't stopped and made to "pay the price").
4. When things do not go the way I wanted and planned, it is terrible and I am, of course, going to get very disturbed. I can't stand it!
5. External events, such as other people, a screwed-up society, or bad luck, cause most of my unhappiness. Furthermore, I don't have any control over these external factors, so I can't do anything about my depression or other misery.
6. When the situation is scary or going badly, I should and can't keep from worrying all the time.
7. It is easier for me to overlook or avoid thinking about tense situations than to face the problems and take the responsibility for correcting the situation.
8. I need someone--often a specific person--to be with and lean on (I can't do everything by myself).
9. Things have been this way so long, I can't do anything about these problems now.
10. When my close friends and relatives have serious problems it is only right and natural that I get very upset too.
11. I don't like the way I'm feeling but I can't help it. I just have to accept it and go with my feelings.
12. I know there is an answer to every problem. I should find it (if I don't, it will be awful).
How many of these 12 irrational ideas are similar to your own self-statements? How many sound pretty reasonable to you? The more of these irrational ideas you believe, the more likely you are to be upset and have unreasonable feelings when you face difficulties or failures.
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